Why I Am A Boring Bipolar

Posted on April 5, 2006 in Irony & Sarcasm

Last night, I began listing some of the reasons for which I fail to stack up as an “interesting” bipolar. What began as self pity turned comical. The list got longer and funnier as I drew from other blogs and memories of other bizarre behavior. Here are the deficits that I suffer from:

• no extramarital affair
• no children who also have the disease
• no unfaithful wife
• no screaming libido
• no toilet in the middle of the living room
• no homicidal urges
• no suicidal ones
• no desire to rule the planet
• no collection of pictures of gore
• no abortions
• no immaculate conceptions
• no larcenies
• no embezzlements
• no knives
• no gun collection
• no hallucinations
• no weird neighbors
• no money to squander
• no religion
• no conspiracy theories
• no alien abduction
• no sociopathy
• no robberies
• no hamsters up my anus
• no gerbils there, either
• no paranoia
• no secret lover
• no lover of the same-sex
• no sexual relations with my cats
• no rare diseases
• no angelic consort
• no cancer
• no vacations
• no screaming
• no cats up my anus chasing the hamsters
• no original paintings
• no paint-by-the-numbers
• no books to my credit
• no purpose-driven life
• no delusions (presently)
• no arrests
• no clitoris
• no addictions
• no herb teas
• no fancy coffees
• no tirimisu (I ate it)
• no residence in Chicago (there are a LOT of bipolars in Chicago)