Bullroarer

Posted on June 3, 2006 in Bipolar Disorder

I have the cruel gift given to many bipolars, that of seeing hostility where there is at worst indifference. Still, many of us who are paranoid have good reason for it: people do treat us meanly. They do talk behind our backs. But the kind of paranoia that the rogue amygala provokes is different.

I wouldn’t call it a delusion as much as I’d call it an anxiety, a spark of terror that can become a conflagration if not checked. I know that I am in a bit of a circle about this, biting my own tail as I harp on the subject. It can be so embarassing to find myself in one of these. When it gets out of control, I want to cry. It is even worse to be caught, to be called a dullard or a bore or a narcissist. Oh look at him. He’s so self-centered. I feel like a weight tied to a string, whirled about like a bull-roarer, screaming my tedious message.

So these two reasons are why I hide when I am in mania or depression or stable. I isolate so that I avoid disgracing myself.

Peace comes when I realize that I am not alone, knowing that others suffer from the same malaise. I am not alone. I am an accident. The universe did not do this to me because the universe is impersonal and has no arms to slap me or throttle me. I merely have a disease. There: I spun the wheel and listened to its whining song.

* * * * *

The knowledge that I have gained about my condition is a feather in the wind looking for a bird.

I have thought of three ways that I use to avoid being overwhelmed by the fear of faces. The first is to not look at faces at all, to never stand or sit before another person. I feel most comfortable sitting next to someone and talking to them that way. The second is an attempt to get past the fear by a studious examination of the features of the Other. Check for the tightened frown, the bared teeth, and squinting eyes of the rabid aggressor. Calm myself.

The last is to use affirmations and inhalations. My favorite is the reminder that the Universe is not out to get me. I breathe as I think that. Long deep breaths that purge my lungs of whatever toxins collect there.

Does anyone know the biochemistry that explains why deep breathing calms?