Holding Back

Posted on November 17, 2006 in Disappointment Mania

Lately I’ve been holding back regarding my feelings on this blog, largely due to accusations that I was becoming obsessed with my illness and situations relating to it. This is funny because I spend most of my days doing crossword puzzles, going to the gym, reading, and not writing or talking to much of anyone except the guys I meet in the gym. And our talk is about the two Ws: workouts and the weather.

I’ve realized, suddenly, that I am dealing with people in mania. Such folks are very good at appearing sane. Such folks are very good at running you down in histrionic bursts. Such folks panic when you appear to be on to them. No, I am sorry. No details. That would be to name names and violate confidences.

I must always be checking my own sanity in this. Currently, I would call it slightly depressed from the waves of hostile energy coming my way from just one source. I have email to show the outrageous overreaction of this individual. I’ve forwarded it to those who should know. And yet, despite the strength of the evidence, I still feel beaten down by the person. Is this obsessing or is this merely acknowledging what I feel at this moment? Only a few minutes ago, I was doing crosswords. Then I got up, went to the computer, put up the tips about bipolars over the holidays, and felt the feelings that I have now.

I’m not entirely in control of the disease. No one is, though some would love to think so. It has beaten me down many times and right now, in this moment, it is pulling at me. So I will finish this article and wash the clothes that I need for the gym. I should have done that an hour ago.

It would not surprise me if the person in question freaks at the sight of this and uses it to fire up an attack later. Ce la vie.