Unmanageable

Posted on July 13, 2007 in Caretakers Crosstalk Stigma

Now and then, I get seriously fed up with another blogger. In this case, it happens to be a family member of someone who is mentally ill. Of course, I am suspect: I suffer from mental illness, myself, so it will be said that I am backing up my own or that I am deranged so my opinions cannot be taken seriously. I’m “just a bipolar” and “can’t see the suffering that family members go through.”

But I come from the accountability school. I agree the illness makes it harder to see things clearly when the medications are not allowed to do/doing their job. (That’s why I take medications.) So I must take my medication so that my wife’s life is easier. I’ve learned to chart my moods and watch for signs that I might be slipping so that I can work with my psychiatrist. If I start seeing things jumping in from the sides of my vision while driving, I get myself home and avoid driving until the symptoms have passed.

Some family members, however, put the whole blame for the mess the household is in on the mentally ill individual. Like the patient, they deny that their actions harm the family. As of today I am no longer following the blog from which the following excerpt is extracted because the writer is stubborn about acknowledging the degree to which he/she is making things worse for her/his family in the name of making her/his mother better (!?):

Our oldest son had some doubts a few days ago about the severity of the messages – after a conversation with him, it turns out that he really didn’t remember what was said, only that he didn’t like it. The next day, after making sure that he still wanted to, I played some of the messages that he had heard for him. He only got through four of the seven before he was nearly in tears and didn’t need to hear any more.

There follows a detailed list of the number of phone calls the mother made to the home phone and a personal cell phone. The writer has a great stake in convincing us that his mother needs to take her meds (yes, we got that) and will stop at nothing to put that message across. I call this obsession pure and simple.

If there was a Twelve Step program for the families of the mentally ill, the first step would undoubtably read “We realized that we were powerless over the mentally ill and that our lives had become unmanageable”. This is certainly what needs to be on the lips of the adult child of a mentally ill person here. He/She can’t make Mom take her/his meds and the more posturing that he/she does, the more he/she tries to make a case to his family about what they already know, the worse he/she makes it for everyone. It’s not Mom who is making things unmanageable but the zealous child. Under such an assault, who can blame the mother for resisting?

For those who wish to make a sincere effort to support a family afflicted by mental illness, I can recommend these organizations:

• National Alliance for the Mentally Ill
• Depressive and Bipolar Support Alliance

And for the truly brave and loving family member, I suggest the services of a therapist, a watchful eye from a professional.

[tags]bipolar disorder, homecare, mental illness[/tags]