Let Me Eat Xanax?

Posted on December 9, 2002 in Depression

Some won’t like the tone of this message. Tough. I’m lonely, I’m hurt by the silence — especially after being there for some of the rest of you in hard times.

“Let Joel eat xanax.” That’s the silent message I pick up from the dearth of comments about our tense life situation. I’ve kept my mouth shut about other things that have come down recently, but the whole lay off thing was just too much and bubbled out.

Should I say that I am sorry? Should I have kept it a secret?

Expressions of support have been underwhelming. Since the layoff, my comments have dwindled and only two have expressed anything like sympathy for our situation. More has been written by a blog roach about an article I wrote in October than by everyone else combined. What is everyone else afraid of? Or what have I done to offend so many?

Is it a sin for a domestic parasite who suffers from depression to worry about the fact that his sole support is out of work? Does it mean that I am now totally cut off from all laughter and comment on the human race for many because they are afraid that I will ruin their Christmases if this subject should come up?

If I was a woman and my husband had lost his job, would I receive more sympathy?

Perhaps some are laughing and claiming that karma has come around to punish me for my views and attitudes. Yes, I know how well karma works in seeing that justice is done. When I am in a low mood, I find myself tempted to seek out the reasons why I am being punished. “What goes around comes around,” is what people like to say. Therefore, Joel Sax must have done something exceeding evil and George W. Bush and all his henchmen are saints.

Sometimes, I have spoken my mind honestly — and let you do so in return as long as you weren’t threatening or outrageously misinterpreting something I said. I’ve lost friends who didn’t have a clue about fair play I quickly discovered: they left obnoxious comments in my blog trying to make themselves out as the victims. Or they sicced gangs on me to clutter my blog with testimonials to why their friend is “a nice person”. Typically, when things get hot, I just quietly walk away. I keep to this policy even now. The only evidence you may see of my anger is that some people have been moved from the first page of links to the second while I cool. Unlike them, I leave room for forgiveness in all but the most extreme cases.

I’ve treated my detractors fairer than I’ve been treated in return. Did what I say hurt you? If that wasn’t my intent, I apologize. If I complain about the tone of something someone else says, I get called “humor-impaired” and a gang descends on my web site to tell me what an awful person I am. (I’ve asked my friends not to do the same.) Perhaps these are rejoicing that times are so hard for me. Personally, I’ve never wished my economic situation, diseases, or miscellaneous hardships on any one else. But others may celebrate the fact that I suffer now, that I may, in four short months end up renaming this blog “The Homeless Guy 2”.

Once I’ve said my say about those, I can smile and get on xanax-free. What’s getting to me now is the silence of those with whom I have not quarrelled, who I have treated as well or better than they have treated me; people for whom I have been there when they’ve been down. You I can’t dismiss so easily. I need pharmaceutical help because you leave me wondering if I’ve done something to offend or hurt you.

I’m feeling that for all my labors to be fair, for my self examination, for my willingless to consider that my sickness might be getting the best of me, that I can be wrong, etc., I’ve got a rotten deal.

Yes, it’s time for some xanax. I’ve got a long day tomorrow running around for Lynn and dealing with the local “justice” system. No teaser. I’ve got solid reasons for not writing about that yet. I will just say that it is not a criminal offense.

I’m sure I will have better times, even before the current crisis resolves itself. But where are people now? What have I fucking done?