Fifteen New Nowhere Facts

Posted on October 18, 2007 in Humor?

So little time, so much to fabricate
Jeremy Hilary Boob (unattributed)

You will, of course, doubt these. But my last set of “Nowhere Facts” did cause a few eyebrows to tilt, so I had to do it again.

1. [[John Lennon]] wrote the song “Nowhere Man” after screenwriter [[Eric Segal]] told him about dumping a Yale undergraduate on the Bonneville Salt Flats between Salt Lake City and Elko, Nevada. The student was [[Gary Trudeau]].
2. [[Richard Nixon]] sent [[John Dean]] to Cuba to negotiate a new Bay of Pigs invasion as a way of diverting the overenthusiastic energies of his White House Plumbers. [[Fidel Castro]] showed Dean a few trick shots in his croquet game before sending the lawyer back to Washington.
3. [[John Kerry]] was slated to be the last man out of Saigon, but he so angered his superiors that they sent him home seven years early.
4. [[Boris Pasternak]] was a fan of [[Joan Crawford]] and sent her several impassioned letters which led her to contact the Russian embassy, begging them to intercede so that he would stop.
5. [[Bill Richardson|Bill Richardson’s]] great uncle on his mother’s side was the last American ambassador to Tibet.
6. [[Nikos Katantzakis]] was an intense admirer of the Flash Gordon serials, so much so that he wrote [[Buster Crabbe]] asking him to star as Christ in The Last Temptation. Crabbe, however, was dumbfounded by the letter’s Demotic Greek and could not answer.
7. [[Joe McCarthy]] became a virulent anti-Communist when a collective bought his brother’s bankrupt dairy farm.
8. [[Evelyn Waugh]] wrote The Loved One after the task of burying [[Aldous Huxley]] fell upon him as senior writer in the Hollywood British expatriate community.
9. While he was in California working for Warner Brothers, [[William Faulkner]] liked to sneak down to Ensenada to enjoy fish tacos.
10. Congressman [[John F. Kennedy]] once flew to Martinique for a tryst with actress [[Betty Davis]].
11. During the filming of The Petrified Forest, [[Humphrey Bogart]] was arrested for stealing pieces of petrified wood. Charges were dropped when he agreed to narrate a Movietone trailer condemning the practice.
12. [[Hunter S. Thompson]] fooled a psychiatrist into scheduling him for Electro-Convulsive Therapy so he could get off on the experience, but withdrew after he learned he would be under general anesthesia.
13. In the twilight of his years, Director [[John Huston]] began laying out plans to film the life of the Buddha starring a young [[Mel Gibson]] in the title role.
14. While on a trip to fascist Italy, [[Errol Flynn]] was asked to demonstrate his fabled culinary skills by making a hot dog for [[Benito Mussolini]].
15. [[Lyndon B. Johnson]] used to chant “The eyes of Texas are upon you” to his beagle.

From Nowhere Land, goodbye!