A Cow in a Marsh

Posted on October 7, 2008 in DBSA Support Groups and Conferences Depression

I’ve fallen in a depression which has more to do with my missing a dose of my mood-stabilizers two weeks ago followed by missing a dose of my anti-depressant yesterday than any life event. I fell so hard after a week or so of light mania that I began to ache in my chest and in my head as I mucked around like a cow in a marsh trying to find a meadow.

The California State Conference for DBSA was the subject of the weekend. The feel of this compared to the National Conference in Norfolk was interesting to observe. At National, there was an emphasis on finding a meaningful life for yourself while at State there was the usual “get a 40 hour a week job and we’ll call you cured”. With my volunteer activities (I recently received an award for them given by GWB of all people), I would qualify as a failure rather than a success.

I don’t get why therapists are so out to put you in a full time job, especially when stress has precipitated me into many a depressed or manic state. I’m told that at fifty years of age I should go back to school and get a “real career” instead of the volunteer mission that satisfies me. There’s the usual “do what society expects of you” instead of doing what feels right and good to you.

What bothers me the most now is that I don’t feel much like writing or photographing. The photographs that I have taken don’t seem to excite others, so what’s the use, I think, even if I find they do something for me? I know this is the depression talking, but would the others on the outside shut up so I can ride this through? The life whose leather I find myself wearing is my own. Don’t try to skin me and throw the hide of a wolf or a plough-horse on my back.

[tags]depression, bipolar disorder, careers, career, choice[/tags]