Armadillo 2

Posted on February 3, 2003 in Creatures Crosstalk

Liberal amounts of ammonia went around the perimeters of chari’s pock-marked garden in an effort to defeat the armadillo. Governor Jeb Bush reportedly called his brother and told him to add the goddess of good karma to the Axis of Evil because she was flagrantly using chemical weapons.

“Karl Rove says ‘no’.,” said Dubya. “He has studies which show that no American can count beyond three. It’ll have to wait until after we nuke Iraq. Besides, we have stock in the company which produces the ammonia she used. If she starts buying from a competitor, I’ll consider an invasion.”

“But the amounts she used were liberal,” replied Jeb. “That alone makes her an enemy doesn’t it?”

“That armadillo is more communist than she is,” said Dubya. “Why it is a direct competitor to DOW chemicals. It eats bugs. John Ashcroft says we need bugs. By killing that terrorist armadillo, chari has shown herself to be a true American.”

“But she was discharged from the Marines for being, uh, interested in her own sex!” said Jeb.

“Nevertheless she’s useful to us,” said Jeb. “Who knows? By the time we get around to invading Canada, we might need her skills.”

Dubya sighed measurably. “I only wish she’d sent it to me so I could have relived my childhood by torturing it with my NRA approved beebee gun. I miss those days.

“So do I,” said Jeb. “But we have the death penalty, George. That counts for something.”

It’s just not the same being president,” replied Dubya. “Sure, you get to kill more people using cruise missiles, but it lacks that personal touch. And you have to sacrifice American lives. I only hope that we can keep a sensible ratio here, something like 1000 Iraqi deaths to every American we lose.”

“Good luck, George. I’m sure that regardless of what happens, Karl will find the right spin for you.”

“I certainly hope so.”

In the meantime, the armadillo has reportedly moved on to friendlier environs, a small patch of land known as Armadillo, Texas, reportedly located in Karen Zipdrive’s kitchen. Armadillos love roaches.