A Realization Swerves to Meet Me

Posted on September 14, 2010 in Bipolar Disorder Hope and Joy Reflections

The sun kept shining into my eye as I drove down El Toro Road en route to my meeting last night. I lowered the visor to protect my eyes, but the twistiness of the boulevard kept moving the position of the day star relative to my eyes and I had to shrink and bend my body to avoid its flare.

For no especial reason — no one walked across the street bearing a sign saying “Wake up!” — a realization swerved to meet me. I had been avoiding any serious thought or creative impulse because I was afraid of triggering a relapse of my condition. Was this really necessary?

I’ve starved my mind and as a consequence, it has craved thought of any kind, even the misadventures of bad memories. If I leave it empty, it will attempt to relieve the tedium by filling the desert with images of cruel encounters from my past. What if I let myself think? What if I relied on my meds to keep me from jumping into episodes and on my wife to tell me when I was losing control? What if I enjoyed the road again instead of driving below the speed limit all the time?

I have a disease. But it doesn’t mean I must opt out of life.