The Sad Place Beyond Chemical Imbalances & Stigma

Posted on February 8, 2011 in Depression Reflections

Either I have reached a spot where my bipolar disorder is about to garret me or what is happening to me is not due to chemical imbalances. In either case, I have felt miserable for the last several days. And I can’t tell you why. One reason is that I am compelled to observe confidentiality to extremes that even the national headquarters of DBSA say are extreme. Long time readers of this blog can remember when I made a carefully restricted reference to something that was going on in a group and one person and her ex-husband went ballistic on me, both on this blog and in real life. So I pretend that there is nothing to say about my bipolar disorder and I know some of you have seen the effect as my impenetrable silence.

The other comes when I want to talk about family. I will say it only briefly: my mother had a stroke and the damage to her brain has apparently caused dementia. No talk here of the family politics involved in that because I grew up in a family where you didn’t talk about the family members’ weaknesses. You mocked strengths instead. This was supposed to be terribly backbone building and what it led to is a fine example in me of someone who, when people meet him after many years they say “But you were the one with all the promise!” At nearly 53 years old, I feel like a husk.

So I am in a corner, unable to compare, unable to reveal, and unable to speak about the darkness. It would be easier if it were all due to my illness. But I don’t like the drama as some do. I so urgently need to talk about it, too.

UPDATE: I am catching myself engaging in the “it’s-been-forever-without-change” thinking which is the hallmark of depression. Witness the remark above about being “miserable for the last several days”. This isn’t true except in the shadow-show of my present episode. Don’t let that lead you to underestimating its potency or the importance of confronting it.