Bringer of Light and Darkness

Posted on February 25, 2003 in Depression

Natalie asks, with genuine compassion, why I am “putting myself” through these emotional things of which I have written earlier today?

Let me begin by stating that my philosophy of blog includes openness about my feelings, honesty about why I do things, a willingness to say when I am wrong, and courage to represent myself in my full colors, as both light and dark.

These emotions happen. I mark them, good and bad.

I am on a quest that never ends. There’s no grail in a Castle Perilous on this quest of mine, unless that Castle Perilous is the reality in which I always live. And it’s not always perilous.

When I’ve found myself cut without explanation and ignored without knowing why I conclude that it is due to their feeling that my friendship is not worth the trouble. This is why I take pains, whenever I write of these feelings of sadness, to thank those who keep with me.

I get hurt: I admit it. If you want to play psychologist, you can trace it to my school years, to the old playground scenario where a kid who is being bullied strikes back. Suddenly, the teacher and his classmates identify her or him as the problem. Never mind that for a period of some weeks or months, other kids have taken advantage of his/her docile nature to taunt, tease, hit, or ostracize her or him. Both my wife and I went through such crap. Sending us to the principal or the school counselor for discipline/correction/psychiatric assessment only compounded and deepened our resentment.

I’m sure that others have been there.

Speaking out about what one feels shouldn’t be cause for rebuke. Correction of facts is perfectly reasonable. But when you call my emotions crap, you call me crap. That’s not very nice.

I’ve learned that, from both ends, we cannot always be sure how the mirrors are placed inside our individual castles. The exchange of facts heals. I can and do misread situations. I do things that are wrong. I am not alone in this, but often I feel alone in admitting it. Apologies work, but it is very hard to apologize to someone who starts their “defense” with deprecating remarks about your feelings.

Some say they get tired of my cycles of sadness and pessimism. I mourn that they reduce me to these. It puzzles me that many people respond to my sad posts and ignore my photos and those little snippets which speak of the beauty of the light that I have seen. Why only the focus on my sorrow? Why limit your image of me to this? I’m a person who has many feelings and I write this blog in the spirit of including my joys and my sorrows.

Some of my sincere joyful dialogue is one sided because no one responds or indicates that I have moved them.

It’s all me. When you reject my dark side, you also reject the bringer of light in me. When you ignore my light, then all I am is darkness in your eyes.