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Going Beyond Hope

Posted on January 28, 2015 in Anger Fear PTSD

square834I arrived at an epiphany this week. The anger of others frightens me not because I fear violence, but because I dread their rage to be unending. When I contemplated where this might have come from, I remembered how things were in my family when I was growing up. First, there was the continual picking of fights by my mother and brother particularly. Then grudges were held — for years. My mother needled me about things I had done in high school forty five years after the fact! Finally, I had no escape even when I became an adult. I dreaded coming home because these scenarios would be repeated over and over again. I had dreamed of leaving this all behind when I went off to college, but adulthood failed to bring me the freedom I craved.

To survive, I developed a number of behaviors. One was to simply avoid getting into any situation where people might fight with me. I isolated. I avoided parties and other social gatherings. I visited my mother as seldom as possible. I should note that not only was the anger of others an issue, but my own anger was a problem. Rage was a second behavior that could quickly get out of hand — though I never hit anyone or threatened to do so. I kept my feelings bottled up for ages without seeking insight into them. Thus from time to time after weeks or months of provocation, I would explode. The purpose of this rage wasn’t to get people to do what I wanted, usually, but to get them to leave me alone and let me do my work. (In my family of origin, there was a duplicitous code whereby I was expected to study, but could be interrupted at any time. I fulminated to try to protect my working time.) Finally, I ran when people attacked. An example of this: One time I went for a job interview where the interviewer started shouting at me. Instead of telling her that she was out of line, I murmured some apologies, left, and drove as fast as I could to get back home. So even though I was more than willing to protect my workspace, I was a coward when people abused me.

Adult life demanded that I make changes, but I did not dare to carry them out until after my mother’s death. I finally allowed myself the freedom to react assertively to rage — apologizing where I had to and standing up for myself when the other person’s apprehension of the facts or my intentions were wrong. My exercise of these has not been perfect, but at least I am standing my ground more. And I try to hear people out more so that we don’t reach the point where they attack me.

This self-empowerment is changing my life. I have less to trigger my anger or my bipolar episodes, especially the depression. A new dream envelopes my mind, a dream that goes beyond hope and manifests itself as self-confidence.

Suicide Online Again

Posted on November 26, 2007 in Blogging Scoundrels Suicide The InterNet

UPDATED: 27 November 2007 at 18:05

Police reports on the affair from The Smoking Gun.

square413Liz has righteously aimed both barrels at Lori Drew, a mother who impersonated a 13 year old boy for the purpose of seducing her teenage neighbor and then dumping her by posting “a hateful, hurting rejection”, precipitating the youngster’s suicide. Evidentally the girl had attempted suicide before: Drew thinks that this exculpates her from any responsibility for what she did.

meganmeier.jpgWhen some people get online, their common sense and, yea, their humanity disappears. I remember, for example, the case of Brandon Vedas who drank himself to death while other chatters watched. A few voiced concern about his increasing intoxication but a nasty core of others egged him on. When called on their actions, they could only say that it was not a crime.

And Lori Drew says that she doesn’t feel responsible because Megan had tried to commit suicide before.

The mentally ill do not lose the right to be treated fairly and above-board, Ms. Drew. Your sociopathy deserves investigation. What complicated feelings led you to do this? Unfortunately, as in the case of Vedas, what you did was not against the law, but I hope the members of your community ~shun you~. I hope you become unwelcome company in chat rooms. I hope your online identities become known and avoided by others. I hope social workers pay you a call. I hope you find no friends and no succor in the misery you deserve. You do not deserve the company of others.

But will even this put the point across to you?

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