Year: 2009
Mystery of the Moved Monitors
Posted on August 7, 2009 in Anxiety
Yesterday morning, the void returned.
Do Crazy People Exist for Entertainment?
Posted on August 5, 2009 in Stigma
There are a lot of yuckety-yuck sites around the Internet that celebrate failure among other things. They ask visitors to give a thumbs-up or a thumbs-down on submissions from readers or give them a numerical rating. I confess that I visit a few of such sites for laughs, but I was stopped cold by emails from crazy people which is dedicated to making fun of the mentally ill.
efcp follows the usual format of showing the example and then opening it up for public ridicule. A recent entry showed the letter of an obviously distressed man who used some rather creepy Star Wars metaphors to woo a woman. The comments laughed at the note or debated its authenticity, but except for me, no one raised the question of how to help the writer of the note or its recipient.
I find myself facing a puzzlement. Do I make this site part of my weekly visitations now — reminding people that mental illness is no laughing matter and needs help — or do I just write it and its goth owners off as hopeless causes?
To their credit, they did post my comment. Maybe some links to NAMI would be appropriate as well.
Anti-Health Care Thugs
Posted on August 4, 2009 in Culture Wars Hatred Insurance
Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy
The name of the game is intimidation. The evidence is in: lobbyists for the health care industry are promoting disruption in an attempt to stop us from enjoying the same quality of health care insurance as is enjoyed by millions in other civiilized countries. Their goal is to prevent any kind of conversation from occurring because they know that they are losing the arguments!
What can we do? One thing is to track the lobbyists back to their lairs and hector them at every turn. Shake them up like they are shaking up elected officials. The scenes you have seen from around the country are not spontaneous: they are organized and their leaders PAID. Expose them at every turn. Demand that the media stop covering their protests. Turn the cameras back to us.
Second, use disorderly conduct laws to throw a few of these loons into jail. Let their friends in the lobbying firms pay to have them released. Enough fines might be incentive for them to stop.
And stand up for health care at every turn. Shout back. Point out that they are the victims of RACISM: the corporatists think they are a bunch of gullible hacks who will do anything they ask for nothing. When they go to the country clubs, the race-baiters and disruptors LAUGH at these white people. Remind them of that.
Remember that these people aren’t just out to stop health care: they are out to steal America after decisively losing an election. Appeal to the silent majority of whites, blacks, Asians, Latinos, men, and women to not let these hypocrites — the ones who gloated when Bush stole the 2000 election — destroy our commons, the commons of free speech and intelligent debate.
Crazy Eileen
Posted on July 30, 2009 in Bipolar Disorder Culture Wars Paranoids
The hand shakes as it waves. “Call on me! Call on me!” When the congressmen gives her a chance, she spouts out a long derangement about how Obama is a citizen of Kenya and she screams that she wants “her country back”. There are cheers from the contingent who cannot yet accept the fact that they lost the 2008 election — one wonders what they would be claiming if Hillary Clinton were president instead. Representative Mike Castle(R) lets her have her moment — which includes the saying of the Pledge of Allegiance — then returns the talk to health care.
It’s a pity that we don’t see her face and we don’t hear the rest of the meeting. The Reactionary Right doesn’t want to talk about health care. Its goal is to obstruct discussion. So when the woman known as “Crazy Eileen” stands up, they cheer her. If only they knew who they were cheering.
“Eileen” styles herself as a psychic. She claims that aliens will reveal themselves in October and they will bring an age of peace for humankind that will last for 95 years at which time the planet will disintegrate. She also predicts that Hillary Clinton will become president.
I don’t know what to make of her, except she reminds me of the fellow I used to be when I had a mission. I saw conspiracies in many places and it was important to tell people about them. How rich was the life of the mind I led and how terrifying at times. Touching my phone filled me with trepidation at times because I knew that there were spies listening on the other end. They didn’t want to arrest me, merely torment me with their presence, steal my mind, make people think I was crazy when I really wasn’t.
The point I am making here is that my bipolar disoder had me firmly bound in paranoia. Leftists as well as rightists suffer from it. The other day, I spent about an hour on Twitter explaing what it felt like to be on mood stabilizers. I assured the person that I had not stopped being a peace activist because the meds changed my mind but because jumping into that kind of life served as a trigger for my illness. Peace activism wasn’t a crazy pursuit except for some of us who went too far. Obsession is always a problem, regardless of your politics.
If I were told that the woman they are calling “Crazy Eileen” suffered from a mood disorder, it would not surprise me. I’m told that plenty of sane people believe in birtherism as well as aliens and the possibility that Hillary Clinton will be president, but Eileen appears to be doing too much. Why does she hide from the cameras and decline interviews?
When I was crazy, I had mixed feelings about exposing myself. On one hand, the word had to get out. But I also felt that I was unusually sensitive and that putting myself before journalists too much would end with me having a meltdown. Even in my denial, I understood that all was not well. Could the same be true of “Eileen”?
There’s a huge stigma against mental illness. And there’s also pressure on people who turn into mouthpieces for political movements to avoid exploring that possibility. Already people have picked up on Eileen’s previous utterances to propose that she is a kook. The tragedy I feel is that she will now be less likely to seek help. She will not want to look bad in the face of her opponents. Her followers will not want her discredited.
The one who suffers is the mouthpiece. It takes a great deal of courage to end the charade that grandiosity thrusts us in. Eileen, I see myself in you. Don’t let your fears of people’s opinions prevent you from seeking relief. You won’t change your politics, just ground them better in reality. There’s no conspiracy out there keeping you in pain, just a confederacy of people who are more concerned with their own beliefs than your well-being. Choose the latter. Seek help.
This article provides information about Eileen and the birther movement.
Thoughts on an argument about the Big Question
Posted on July 28, 2009 in Agnosticism Hypocrites
The argument went like this: as an agnostic, I am “without belief in a God”. Therefore, I am an atheist. The trouble is that I am also without a disbelief in God. Those who know me observe that I will happily quote sacred texts as well as nonsacred texts when they have pragmatic application. But even this is missing the real point.
A [[Sufi]] holy woman named [[Rabia al-Adawiyya]] made it her habit to pray thusly: Dear God, if I love you because I don’t want to burn in hell, then I should burn in hell for all eternity. If I love you because I want to get into heaven, then I should be denied heaven.
For me, the whole question of whether there is a God or not interferes in my relationship with the Universe and my quest to be a good person. Both atheists and believers can get caught up in myth-wars with one another, the one claiming that the other is hypocritical or evil or just unable to do good, the other returning the favor. They often feel it highly necessary to engage in argument with those who do not see the world as they do. They call agnostics cowards for not taking a position.
I assure you that to publically refuse to answer the Big Question invites all kinds of abuse as it did last night ((After refusing to be defined into atheism, I was told that I was trying to tell atheists what atheism was all about! When I laughed this off, I was called a grumpy old man and a paranoid. Believers are no strangers to this, but they usually leave us agnostics alone.)) . I know that and I still preserve my focus on being a good person. I know both atheists and believers who are good people despite the protestations of the others. I have friends in both camps. My relationship with the Universe (the existence of which I am certain) and other people can be distorted by capitulating to camp cries for a decision on an issue which is unimportant. Identifying with either bivouac denies me the prize of serenity.
A Fallacy of Neo-Confederatism
Posted on July 28, 2009 in Culture Wars
Students of the Civil War are often confused by the assertion that because the North fought to preserve the Union, the South could not have been fighting to preserve slavery. The assertion is half correct: the North did begin by fighting to preserve the Union. But even single act of secession by the Southern states named preservation of slavery as the reason. It is true that a few states named other reasons, but Slavery was the one reason that united them all. To preserve slavery, they felt, they had to resist any attempts to be reincorporated into the Union.
But, you may protest, you’re saying the North had one reason and the South another reason for fighting. Yes. How can this be? Happens all the time.
Let’s saying you are sitting in a bar. A drunk decides that he doesn’t like your nose and he picks a fight with you. You defend yourself by fighting back. Why is he fighting? Because he hates your nose. Why are you fighting? Because you are trying not to be hurt by the lout. So his reason is prejudice and yours is self-preservation. The fight doesn’t start with both of you standing for self-preservation ((It can end quite differently, however, with both of you striving not to be hurt anymore.)) : he wants to hurt you because of your nose and you don’t want to be hurt.
I’m sure you can think of other examples. The moral here is to be careful of how some people try to revise history by shell games of false logic. A and B can have quite different reasons for fighting: what matters is that there is violence.
Save our family, save yourself some bucks
Posted on July 22, 2009 in Insurance
We have good insurance, provided by Lynn’s job. She pays extra so that I am covered. If it were not for this, we’d be paying thousands of dollars for my medications that protect me from the effects of my various medical conditions which include bipolar disorder, diabetes, asthma, gout, and coronary heart disease ((This was detected early through preventative medical procedures. I haven’t even needed a stent.)) .
I suppose in some reactionary’s Spencerian thinking, I should be culled when society’s interest in keeping Lynn employed diminishes. To the private concerns that keep our country moving, I’m little more than her pet, a non-producer.
But then society has other concerns. “Take your meds” it says to me, the bipolar. My meds are very expensive, thank you, and I do take them even though we pay hundreds of dollars in co-pays to keep me on them. If I were to stop and do something illegal because my insurance ran out, no judge or jury in this country would have pity on me. “You elected to stop taking your meds,” I would be told. There would be no winning except for the fact that in jail they would put me back on medication. You will get to pay for that.
For personal reasons, I have elected to stay off of the public dole. I do not take SSDI because I consider my wife and I to be fortunate. The money that we save the government can be used to help another person in more needy circumstances. Or make your burden less. Yet every day I worry that Lynn will lose her job and we will be left without insurance to keep me on my medications. It’s a valid fear.
The point I wish to make is that our family could be yours. How close are you to finding yourself without coverage and needing it badly? Would sickness of you or your spouse or one of your children put you in a vulnerable position? We are lucky not to be bankrupted by my medical conditions, but cancer could strike your family. Heroic measures could lock you in the thrall of a bank for the rest of your life. Your dreams of owning your own business, enjoying retirement, etc. could be erased that quickly.
It says a lot that every major nation in this world has created a health care system that is unlike ours. Germany, which has the best health care system in the world by all measures does use private insurance, but insurance companies must be NONPROFIT which makes coverage cheaper. It is only here in the United States that health care is seen as a business rather than a service. And greedy businessmen fatten themselves to the tune of millions of dollars. Nowhere else does a high school graduate decide whether you can have the MRI your doctor ordered or not. The money that pays these unneccesary cogs in the machine could be used to help you meet the costs of fighting your cancer or other delibating disorder.
We have come to a critical hour: we can change the world. Private health insurance concerns are fighting the public option for this reason and this reason alone: it will require that they must use the capital which we invest in them to cover our medical needs. They can still function for profit, but they will have to compete with the public option and with each other.
The same forces that forced George W. Bush on us and slathered in his trough want the idea stopped. That should be reason to change our minds. Think of me, then call your representative and Senator, especially if your senator is a centrist Democrat. We cannot afford to have bad health care. I don’t want to be a burden on society should Lynn lose her job. You shouldn’t have to pay for the costs that will accrue if my conditions are allowed to degenerate into their worst possibilities. Help us to be able to pay our way no matter how Lynn is employed.
Hell has come
Posted on July 21, 2009 in Daily Life Weather
I woke up noticing that I was sweating. It wasn’t a fever — not an under-the-skin intense burning but an enclosing of my body by warmth. My body responded by oozing liquid through its pores. It did not register to me while I slept that temperatures were too high. I rolled over a few times, kept the cycle of dreams going. When I did finally wake up, I still did not catch on to the fact of the day: the air conditioner was broken.
I tried a few things first. I turned on the overhead fan in the bathroom so that the hot air trapped in the hall would be spirited into Southern California’s already hot sky. This helped just a little. Then I worried that the cooling line had frozen up. So I shut the air conditioner off for half an hour. I was never able to get it back up.
When I went downstairs to check things out, the central air unit was as still as a dead fish floating in an overheated tank. I pulled out the fuses and reinstalled them, flicked the switches on and off. Next I fooled with the breakers. The unit did not respond to any of these machinations. It was dead dead dead.
I chewed out someone who was on my side. He persevered with me and made his case clear. Good man. I apologized and he forgave me. Very good man. I said some unkind things about him.
I have a call in to the people our home warranty company assigned to our case. My plan is to sleep with my cell phone next to my head. Outdoor temperatures are in the nineties and low hundreds. I shall beg for respite and if the wait for service is going to be long, beg Lynn to allow me to take Doggy to a motel. (The cats have survived this before.)
Hell has come to me. But I burn for no particular sin, just random chance and lack of capital to bring help at my beck and call.
Democrats, Take Notice
Posted on July 21, 2009 in Class Commons Theft Insurance
Do you want me dead to preserve the ridiculous profits of an institution that should be founded on service rather than profits?
Steps and Leaps
Posted on July 8, 2009 in Class Culture Wars Equality Gender
Too many leftists elect officials and then do nothing other than express their views in opinion polls and fail to show up for elections to remind them that their issues, their power is important.
Back to Xanax
Posted on July 8, 2009 in Medications
The no Xanax experiment is over. On the advice of my psychiatrist, I have resumed taking half a xanax each night and dropped taking melatonin. The trouble was that when I took the Xanax and the melatonin, I slept 13 to 14 hours a day. If I took the melatonin alone, I slept 11 to 13 hours each day. Yesterday, on Xanax alone, I slept 10 hours. I might sleep a little more today but only because it is hot. I am feeling only slightly unalert due to the heat and my body’s natural desire to take a siesta when it is hot.
I’m not really taking much Xanax. There are superstars who take far more than I do: I need .25 mg to get me to sleep. If that doesn’t feel effective, I skip a night. Potency returns.
Here’s a question: people are always telling me that Xanax is bad because it is addictive. OK, but what else? Nicotine makes the consumption of tar more likely and tar damages your lungs when you smoke. Alcohol changes your personality and damages your liver and your brain. So what about the benzos? What do they do beside addict you? Anything? And in what doses?
If the problem is addiction alone, I’m just not impressed by the “danger”.
Notes on a Night without Xanax
Posted on June 30, 2009 in Medications
I’ve been taking half a [[xanax]] to help me get to sleep at night. I combine this with [[melatonin]], [[benadryl]], [[doxepin]], and a handful of other drugs at bedtime because I need a hammer to bring me to sleep. Last night, after reading a terrifying article about benzodiazepines at Furious Seasons, I decided to try an experiment: could I get to sleep without the Xanax?
The trick was to take the melatonin about an hour or two before bedtime, let it soak into the system, then go to sleep at my usual bedtime. It worked, but I woke up about five hours later. So I took more benadryl and slept an additional five hours.
I notice two things: first, I am slightly more irritable. Second, I am more alert. For the first time in weeks, I am able to set my hands at the keys and make sentences appear.
So here’s the plan: tonight, I am taking half a Xanax. The next night I perform a drug fast. I do this routine for a few weeks so my body gets used to the lower levels in my system and then make another jump.
Keep your fingers crossed for me.
