An Aqueous Kingdom

Posted on April 27, 2005 in Disappointment Reflections

Each of us is an aqueous kingdom, a confederacy of faint islands floating in a crimson sea. I am told that it is good to have boundaries, declarations of what we do and don’t tolerate. Boundaries make us strong, loveable, and prevent others from using us.

Lately, I’ve tried setting up some boundaries. Boundaries which say that if you are my friend, for example, you should keep the coffee and lunch dates you agree upon. If we’re due for a walk, you show. You don’t make a habit of cancelling out. You don’t set me up for an expectation only to see it not be realized.

I’ve done wrong things in my life, ones very much like these. One would think, however, that a just Universe would have put me through this sort of thing while I was still unjust. It seems to hit me now, however, when I struggle to be kind and understanding, so I don’t believe that the Universe is just.

The impersonableness and randomness of the Universe is no reason to stop being kind. They say that I must set boundaries, I must make it clear that I will not tolerate certain behaviors. I don’t think the two are incompatible as long as when you close a door, you make it clear that friendship is still possible on certain terms. This I have done recently. And still, I find it hard to see the value of boundaries.

You see, I don’t see what difference setting up boundaries would make in the case of the friend who keeps setting me up. In asserting myself, the friend now knows that I will not tolerate certain behaviors. But I feel that whether I say anything or not, nothing will change, that the friendship would fade away anyways. And, on the eve of my surgery next week, that makes me sad. Whether I live rightly or not, assertively or not, it will be the same old world and people will think no differently of me.

That is why I say the world is a confusing, maddening place. The “right things” don’t seem to make a difference when it comes to ending my isolation. I remain a sick man, sickened by his loneliness. And by the right means or the wrong means, I keep blowing it.

Batter my heart thrice Three-Personed God? No, slay me outright. Or reward my efforts to be a better person.