Karen’s 12 Days of Christmas – A Haiku Cycle Not for the Young

Posted on December 29, 2002 in Festivals Humor?

The “poetry” which is hidden on the second page of this entry was written in (dis?)honor of Karen Zipdrive who is not blogging while she entertains a lover from Canada. Who but me could be so low and raunchy? Um, maybe chari? Wkenshow? (Nah, he talks sex, but he doesn’t joke about it like I do. He’s much too much the serious sensualist for ribaldness.) Certainly Karen herself….

The original text appeared in Karen’s comments as a response to her lack of a blow by blow account of the affair. The writer simply used his knowledge of Karen’s tastes (especially the bad ones) and a lot of imagination to create the work.

This version contains some notes to explain some of the lines and a couple of word changes.

Sorry that I wasn’t so clever as to write a filk version of the traditional song. But Karen’s got this haiku fixation, so I thought best to torture her in her own favorite verse form.

Karen’s Twelve Days of Christmas, 2002
A Haiku Cycle

First day of Christmas.
Plucked a patridge like a finch.
All raw, nothing cooked.

Second day of yule:
Turtle doves make fine dildos
When they flap their wings.

Nothing French, day three,
Save wet kisses from true love
And exotic red toys.

Four dead birds at dawn.
Karen thought their calling loud, 
filled them with buckshot.

Golden penis rings
Do not suit the Texas love-in.
Send five other gifts.

No geese, but Fric-girl's
a-laying dear Aviva.
Count now six or more.

Seven plump swans honk.
On the silver strand they spy
Two targets to white.

Aviva has but two.
Karen dreams of fourteen more
maid bumps for milking.

Far from the discos
Dykes dance as the padres frown.
Seven nude ghosts join.

The couple sends the sad
lords leaping into the surf.
Unrequited love.

"Men pipe," says Karen.
"I play true love's flesh comb like
a harmonica."

True Love heads cold north.
Twelve drummers play sad tattoos.
Lone dyke rubs sore twat.

• 1 — To “pluck a finch” is an expression found in Chaucer’s Cantebury Tales which means to masturbate.
  
• 2 — Karen and Aviva swear that they haven’t tried this.
  
• 4 — I guess I missed an opportunity for another Chaucerian allusion. When birds have their eyes open all night, they are making eggs.
  
• 6 — I count this as the weakest of the series
  
• 7 — OK, OK, swans aren’t seagulls.
  
• 8 — My personal favorite. Empress was shocked. She says I’d put Karen in the middle of an orgy.
  
• 9 — The padres are, of course, a reference to South Padre Island where the pair fled to get away from my versifying.
  
• 11 — I thought the metaphor here clever.