Santa Claus is Coming to Jail

Posted on December 21, 2002 in Whimsies

To tell you the truth, I was a little shocked when I read Jennifer’s account of a Christmas party she claimed to have attended. Then I found this mad-libbing folly and posted mine, as did Blu Iguana:

Dear Santa,

I have been a good boy.

It really wasn’t my fault what happened at Scott’s Christmas party. It was chari who spiked the punch with too much Everclear. I can’t help it if I drank 47 glasses. It was so good—smelled and tasted just like grunion slime.

I thought it was funny when I put Karen Zipdrive’s suspenders on my head and danced the gavotte on the bureau while singing `Purple People Eater’. I didn’t mean to break Scott’s PDA and don’t know why Scott would sue me for poaching.

I don’t remember calling Barry Smith’s wife a glum nutria—even though she looked like one with maroon eye shadow and cerulean lipstick!

And when I threw up on Tanya’s husband’s pancreas, it was only because I ate too much of those rice crackers.

After all that fun, I admit I was a little tired. So I fell asleep on my way home and drove my Nissan Frontier through my neighbor’s veranda. I don’t think that was any reason for my neighbor to call me a grim okapi and have me arrested for sexual battery!

So, Santa…here I sit in my jail cell on Christmas Eve, all gruntled and obligated. And I’m really not to blame for any of this impossible stuff. Please bring me what I want the most—bail money!

Sincerely and chastely yours,
Joel (Really a nice boy!)

P.S. It’s only 666 bucks!

You know, I’m glad that I never got this wild. Nice thing about being only unipolar! The guilt keeps you civil.